(3) people hate you - A Love Letter to Banner Advertising

There's a new trend in pop windows and banners on websites that can obviously tell where your server is connected. They try and personalize their advertisements in hilariously contrived ways. A favorite of mine are the fake chat windows that pop up with women in bikinis who are so desperate they cut right to the chase: "You're in Belfast, too? Wanna hang out? I'm horny! ;-P"

I just found one that takes a tact I haven't seen before. If I could take screencaps with this PC I would, but I don't know how, so I just have to recreate it here for you:

There's a picture of a heart in an envelope a d a flashing button that says CONTINUE. Above that it reads:

You Have (3) Hate Letters
(2) People have a crush on you from Belfast.
(3) people hate you.

I thought this was so funny that I had to click on it. Predictably, it just directed me to some page asking for my email address. This was too high a price for further satiation of my curiosity. When I tried to close the tab, though, a warning would pop up saying:
IMPORTANT - YOUR CRUSH IS TRYING TO CONTACT YOU AT THIS VERY MOMENT. PRESS OK TO READ YOUR LETTER.

I love the idea of the idly curious loner who holds on to the shred of a possibility that someone is trying to contact him through banner ads. "I have a crush?" this hypothetical person asks himself. "Impossible! ... Or is it?" Maybe it's the sheer force of these pronouncements that leaves these poor pushovers into clicking on these ads; like a misplaced fear of being rude: "My crush must really want me if they're going so far as to advertise to get my attention. Maybe they own a banner ad company. I mean, they probably don't even exist, but if they do... shouldn't I know about it?"

The best part of the above ad is how it hedges its bets. If you're not desperate enough to believe that mysterious crushes are trying to contact you, maybe you're paranoid enough to believe that your enemies are. Maybe both! Show your imaginary enemies what's up by rubbing their noses in the imaginary letters from your imaginary crushes!

I'd love to see a cross-section of the people who actually do click on these ads (the idly curious, like myself, excluded). Even more, I'd like to see a meeting where cyber shysters come up with new ways to hook suckers in 12 words or less. "What if you have to click a button to make Amy Winehouse punch George Bush? And when you knock him out your crush will send you a funny video of a cat falling off a bike? Then we'll sell them car insurance."

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In completely unrelated news, I always appreciate it when someone smarter and more articulate than me can argue my views for me so I don't have to hurt my brain trying to do it for myself. That's why I enjoyed seeing Jon Stewart state the case for gay marriage against lovably affable social conservative and bipedal Basset Hound, Mike Huckabee:

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Mike Huckabee Pt. 2

Barack Obama Interview
John McCain Interview

Sarah Palin Video
Funny Election Video

Watch it if you want to feel the same vicarious thrill that I'm feeling. Of course, we all know where arguments pitting logic against faith get us. Still, I like imagining I'm over Jon Stewart's shoulder saying things like "Yeah!" and "So there!"