Happy holidays

Well world,
Blogging for these last few months has obviously made an impression on me, because I'm blogging while I'm drunk, now. I've just said goodbye to my physical friends, now I'm saying goodbye to my virtual ones.
I'm leaving for Spain in a bit and I thought I'd send out a message of peace and goodwill to the world. I don't know if I'll have the internet where I'm going - if I do, that's cool, if I don't, it'll probably do me good - but merry Christmas, anyways. Keep checking back here during the holiday season, because I'll probably find a way to keep posting. If I don't, I'll start up again on Jan. 4th when I get home to Portland. If I don't until then, keep letting that eagle soar, America.



Hey, let's pretend that the last 8 years were a joke, ok? That'll be my Christmas present.
Now I have to pack...

What's a-Happenin' Hot Stuff?

I only got a few hours of sleep last night, so when I got home from lectures today I just took some me-time. Tomorrow night I ship out so all I have left to do is study and pack, really. I also went to Top Man today and got a second pair of jeans, cuz I like the other ones I bought and they're only 20 pounds, which is pretty great. While walking around in the rain and the fog I took some farewell pictures of Belfast that I'll put up on Facebook or something. But let's talk about The Happening.
Following the many delights that I found in An American Carol, I thought today I would watch another infamous movie from 2008 that I've been curious about and don't mind seeing on the internet.

Remember when The Sixth Sense came out and suddenly M. Night Shyamalan was the hottest new director with a cult that seemed to form overnight? Then Unbreakable came out and people were like, "That was a bit of a misfire, but he's still young; they can't all be winners." Then Signs came out and it was ok, but seemed a little Christian-y and Mel Gibson-y and the big twist (people were starting to notice a reliance on these twist things) about the aliens' weakness was really stupid? By the time The Village came out all the remaining fans had turned to apologists, though, from what I remember, it was like most of the movies beforehand with a pretty good build-up - it was just the explanation at the end that blew. Then Lady in the Water, which, from what I hear, is really really bad and has water-nymphs in it.
Remember all that? What a long, disappointing trip it's been.

Then Shyamalan came out in 2008 with The Happening, which I had heard was his worst yet. But, like, so bad it's good. I asked myself, "Could M. Night have already turned into a parody of himself?" A few days ago the Christian girl who lives next to me and only enjoys movies like Step Up and Nanny McPhee told me that it was the only horror movie she liked, cuz it made her think. Now I was really intrigued.

Today I spent an hour and a half watching a movie that, though it can't beat An American Carol in the race to be the worst big-budget movie of the past decade, it nips at its heels - though I haven't seen the update to The Wicker Man (mostly because I liked the original more than I like Nick Cage), which sounds like it could give The Happening a run for its money.

The Happening is shockingly, hilariously bad. Not misguided- and ugly-bad like American Carol, but what-was-everyone-thinking-bad. As well as being a former-Shyamalan apologist I'm also a Mark Wahlberg apologist, having really liked him in movies like The Departed and Four Brothers. Unfortunately, here he turns in what can only be classified as a tribute to the spirit of awful cinematic performance. Zooey Deschanel is worshipping right there with him, as they play adults who cherish mood rings and get jealous over dessert-invites and cough-syrup purchases like 8-year-olds.

The twist to the movie, alone, is ridiculously dumb. It comes about 30 minutes into the movie, but if you don't know (*SPOILER*) the movie is about plants giving off fumes that make people kill themselves. This means lots of Mark Wahlberg and co. running from the wind, which is just as silly as it sounds. He also meets a weird horticulturist who's obsessed with hotdogs, a crazy old lady who accuses him of being homicidal for no reason (and has the best non-sinister sinister line in a movie ever when she says "Why are you eyeing my lemon drink?"), a military officer who says things like "cheese and crackers!" instead of swearing in times of national crisis and more.

Thankfully, some youtube heros have put together clips of the very best moments. And oh, they are so, so sweet. I like that two clips claiming to have the best moments from the movie are made up mostly of different equally hilarious parts (except the guy laying down in front of a thresher and Marky Mark's placation of the crazy lady, which made both cuts). The second clip is shittier quality, but worth the watch, if only for Wahlberg singing and the kid in his class saying "global warming."

Cheese and Crackers!

Non-Post

So, while Bennington is letting it's current students out into the freezing Vermont tundra, I'm still here in Belfast. Only two more days after today, then it's on to Francia with mama mia (was that Italian? I don't know what I did there).
I've been spending my time here studying, drinking, saying goodbye and writing blog posts nobody reads.

Other activities:

• Sketching portraits based on people's Facebook photos, which is really just a big image library (if you're creepy).
• Reading my horoscope for 2009, as predicted by The Onion.
• Bulleted lists
• Trying to remember how to say "stabbed to death" in Old English for my test on Wednesday (it's "ofstingan")
• Listening to "Johnny Hit & Run Pauline" a gazillion times, by X, punk's cutest couple this side of Kim and Thurston:




• Discovering that dating is obsolete, courtesy of Mr. Charles Blow (...David Charles Blow??). That means if you haven't been going on dates much recently you're ahead of the curve. Go you! Go me!
  
• Spending all my UK pennies on a blank casette.
• Watching Top Gear and kind of understanding why it's the biggest show in the UK and not just a British Discovery Channel series. Kind of.
• Thinking about how I'm going to get to the airport but not actually planning anything.
  
• Procrastinating.
  

Shoe Me Once, Shame On You. Shoe Me Twice... We Won't Get Shoed Again

I can't stop blogging!
I thought the post I just did about An American Carol would be my only one of the day, but this was too good to pass up. These last three posts have actually been a triptych (in honor of Benjamin Busch) documenting things that are so amazing they need no parody.

When I got home tonight and turned to CNN, I was treated to the information that an Iraqi reporter threw his shoes at George Bush today (apparently "one of the ULTIMATE insults an Arab can make"... besides, you know, blowing you up).



Symbolic actions like this rarely hit the intended mark, in my view. A lot of times somebody making a big scene to call attention to a cause or belief will either interrupt or hinder something that's actually working towards their aim or put off supporters by the sheer callousness. But here, it's really pretty perfect, isn't it? It's not like it interrupted some peace talk that might be actually taking us somewhere - Ol' GW is just over in Iraq to give some face-time while he's counting down his last days. And I don't know how put off any Iraqis could be - even if shoe-throwing is the ULTIMATE insult - considering the even ULTIMATER insult of fucking up a war in their country.

Let's look at what CNN has to say:

The shoe-thrower -- identified as Muntadhar al-Zaidi, an Iraqi journalist with Egypt-based al-Baghdadia television network -- could be heard yelling in Arabic: "This is a farewell ... you dog!"

While pinned on the ground by security personnel, he screamed: "You killed the Iraqis!"

Al-Zaidi was dragged away. While al-Zaidi was still screaming in another room, Bush said: "That was a size 10 shoe he threw at me, you may want to know."

What a great response! "You killed Iraqis!" "Hey, that guy threw a pretty big shoe at me. That could have really hurt! Must have pretty big feet, heh heh."

"So what if the guy threw his shoe at me?" Bush told a reporter in response to a question about the incident.

Yeah, so what? People throw things at him all the time! Maybe nobody told him it was the ULTIMATE insult...

"Let me talk about the guy throwing his shoe. It's one way to gain attention. It's like going to a political rally and having people yell at you. It's like driving down the street and having people not gesturing with all five fingers. ...

"These journalists here were very apologetic. They ... said this doesn't represent the Iraqi people, but that's what happens in free societies where people try to draw attention to themselves."

I bet if they still had a dictatorship nobody would be embarrassing the country like that. Maybe those Taliban guys have a point...




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Just below on the CNN homepage: McCain Won't Say He'd Back Palin For President.

McCain was pressed on why he can't promise support for the woman who, just months ago, he named as the second best person to lead the nation.

"Have no doubt of my admiration and respect for her and my view of her viability, but at this stage, again ... my corpse is still warm, you know?" he replied.

Yes John, we know.

Blogging An American Carol

So I have a bunch of work to do before I'm ready to take a trip to Spain on Thurs, not the least being my big Old English exam, but some things can wait and others can't. I had to put down The Dream of the Rood to study a different artifact sure to have anthropologists of the future dissecting it for centuries to come. I am, of course, talking about David Zucker's An American Carol, a movie I have been perversely excited to see. Luckily, watch-movies.net has it uploaded so I don't actually have to give anyone money for the joy I am anticipating (which would, incidentally, decrease my joy considerably). What happens when the creator of such comedy classics as Airplane! and The Naked Gun puts together a satire or the Amurrica-hatin', Commie-lovin', baby-abortin', dope-smokin' liberal left joined by a cast dripping with desperation (Gary Coleman, Chris Farley's brother) mixed with senility (Leslie Nielson and the boss from Seinfeld who's now on Family Feud), smugness (Bill O'Reilly, playing himself) and the only social conservatives in Hollywood (John Voight, Kelsey Grammer, Trace Adkins)? I can't wait to find out!


(This cartoon is from a blog raving about the film: "At long last, a Hollywood film that isn't flamingly Moonbatty!"

I'm going to blog about the first fifteen minutes or so, just so I can pretend we're enjoying this together. You can follow along here (I'm using the third link) if you feel so inclined. Or perhaps you think you're above spending your evening watching Gary Coleman play a character named Bacon Stains Malone...?

• It opens on a 4th of July picnic as grandpa Leslie Nielson, surprisingly still vertical, flips USA-burgers for his clan of lily-white children. Then, true to his roots as an American comedy giant, Leslie pegs an old lady in the face with a frisbee. Leslie's back!
• The story of the "Scrooge who hated the 4th of July" begins in Afghanistan, where everyone's named Mohammad Huessein! Hahaha! Their culture's different than ours! For some reason, however, when something goes wrong the leader swears, "Jesus!" Given that it's not played for comedic effect, methinks David Zucker could've done a little bit more research into fundamentalist Muslim culture...



• 4:56 - "Leader," pleads a terrorist, "ever since the Americans came people have hope now, they are voting, women own buisinesses." Mission Accomplished! Wait, does that mean we can leave now? The Taliban (which is apparently made up of three guys) decides they need to find a director to make recruitment videos for them who hates America (which "won't be hard to find in Hollywood," har har; real patriots make movies about frisbees to the face). Enter Chris Farley's brother playing Michael Moore (here, Michael Malone).
  
• 6:33 - How does David Zucker tackle Michael Moore's footage of bringing desperate Americans to Cuba for health care? By showing us what we all really know Cuba is like: dirty, Hispanic commies who execute wheelchair-bound Americans for no reason. When Malone wraps shooting of his movie, Die You American Pigs (seriously) gets back on his raft to leave, all the Cubans rush it to leave their Godforsaken shithole of an island and arrive at America's shining shores.



• 9:05 - Michael Malone snubs some Boy Scouts taking donations for our troops in Iraq. Why? If you hate the war, you hate our troops, duh. He goes and buys Girl Scout cookies instead. Cuz he's fat!!
  
• 10:00 - Malone's 4th of July abolition rally is fronted by a send up on MoveOn.org (here MooveAlong). Zucker unmasks MoveOn for what it really is: an organization run by ignorant teenagers (they don't know who Nixon is - they really must be Commies) and supported by the following embarrassing groups: People Against the American Way, Vegans Against Fur, Manboy Loveboat, Padawami Casino and the Church of Entitlement. I like that Native Americans and vegans rank up there with pedophiles on the conservative hate-scale. (btw, wouldn't Manboy Loveboat make a great band name?)
• 11:40 - Michael Malone eats rat-infested pizzas and buckets of lard. Subtle, Zucker. Bob Cratchet shows up in the form of Michael Malone's country music-lovin', navy-hero nephew. He invites Malone to a Trace Adkins concert (who is, according to this movie, a big country music star all over America except in New York). Does this mean Trace Adkins is Fezziwig??
• 13:50 - Malone's agent: "Apparently Michael, the people who like your movies don't actually go to movies." This must really be a subtle dig at the Academy after they gave Moore that Oscar back in 2003, yet have overlooked such David Zucker gems like Superhero Movie and Scary Movie 4. They probably don't like Trace Adkins either.
• 14:06 - No, it's even better: "I'm an Oscar-winning director," Malone says. "Yeah," counters his agent, "for a documentary," as he makes the jack-off motion with his hand. Does David Zucker go to movies?
• 15:40 - Hey, Paris Hilton's in this! Does she even know that she's being used as a punchline? Does she even care? She's presenting the MooveAlong.org award for best documentary, the Leni Reifenstahl Award. Get it?? GET IT??! "Through the creative manipulation of truth, she was able to influence history, demonstrating the power of film. Although unfortunately resulting in the death of over 60,000,000 people in World War II, her place in any cinematic hall of fame is secure." GET IT? GET IT?????!! David Zucker really doesn't like documentaries, huh?

Holy fucking shit, it just keeps getting better and better. I'd love to blog about it minute by minute, but the real fun comes from watching it not reading about it. Remember in my last blog post how I said one of my favorite things is when parodies are so ridiculous they become parodies of themselves? That's An American Carol in a big way and, suffice to say, it's even better than I could have even imagined.

UPDATE: I just finished watching it and my mouth was seriously open for the last 30 minutes. There is absolutely no way to anticipate things like Dennis Hopper picking off ACLU members with a shotgun while they try to remove the Ten Commandments from a courtroom or Trace Adkins telling Michael Malone that a stadium full of marines listening to modern country was "the real America" (Sarah Palin all over). Everyone has to see this movie.

Odds and Ends

So I've got a real post in the works, but I don't feel like writing it right now, so I'm just going to share some things:

I've gone into detail before on my love of shitty political cartoons that I disagree with. In the midst of a bunch of fawning cartoons about Obama at Slate, there was this:



All the reasons that this cartoon is stupid are so numerous and obvious I won't go into them. I'll just let you soak it in. Really, cartoons that unintentionally mimic The Onion's intentionally awful editorials like the one below make me laugh. I love it when reality outdoes parody for ridiculousness. Also, no matter what, editorial cartoons are never really funny, but they can become transcendentally greatly awful when they apparently come from some paranoid, misanthropic crank who's scared of change and knows his way around a pen. I wish I could see what the artist of the above cartoon would have written about Lincoln's victory if he'd been alive then.



Today I went into city center to pick up some Xmas gifts. I got my mom some earrings and myself some CDs - among them Death Cab For Cutie's Narrow Stairs. I've always been put off by Death Cab's extreme blandness coupled with Ben Gibbard's irritatingly writerly lyrics. It's the same mixture that has always kept me away from the Decemberists as well. I took a writing class once where the teacher talked about how distracting it is to the reader when they can "hear the writing," and that's what I feel about the lyrics of both bands. The lyrics that "She can't relax with his hand on the small of her back/ and as the flashbulbs burst, she holds a smile/ like someone would hold a crying child" are beautiful and evocative but they seem too calculated and unnatural to me. There's a coat of self-satisfaction on the whole thing.

Regardless, I was won over by the feeling and hooks of songs like "Cath..." and "I Will Possess Your Heart." At least, won over enough to plop down a few pounds for a used copy. All that's a backhanded way of saying that a band that I've always rolled my eyes at put out some songs that I think are really affecting. The rest of the album still sounds a bit like the soundtrack to an indie waiting room to me, but, you know...

What does it do for my mixed feelings about the album that Ben Gibbard looks kind of like Rainn Wilson mixed with a Hobbit in this video? I haven't decided yet.



The other CDs I picked up were Exile in Guyville and Portishead's Dummy, two albums that get blessed with the "classic" label a lot but I've never really given much time. I also got Under the Big Black Sun by X, The Ink Spots' Greatest Hits and an album called The Magic Wurlitzer that I was really excited about, but I kind of underestimated the annoyingness of the Wurlitzer as an instrument. It's pretty interminable. But it was cheap and I guess if I ever buy a skating rink and can't hire my own organ player I'm set.

(3) people hate you - A Love Letter to Banner Advertising

There's a new trend in pop windows and banners on websites that can obviously tell where your server is connected. They try and personalize their advertisements in hilariously contrived ways. A favorite of mine are the fake chat windows that pop up with women in bikinis who are so desperate they cut right to the chase: "You're in Belfast, too? Wanna hang out? I'm horny! ;-P"

I just found one that takes a tact I haven't seen before. If I could take screencaps with this PC I would, but I don't know how, so I just have to recreate it here for you:

There's a picture of a heart in an envelope a d a flashing button that says CONTINUE. Above that it reads:

You Have (3) Hate Letters
(2) People have a crush on you from Belfast.
(3) people hate you.

I thought this was so funny that I had to click on it. Predictably, it just directed me to some page asking for my email address. This was too high a price for further satiation of my curiosity. When I tried to close the tab, though, a warning would pop up saying:
IMPORTANT - YOUR CRUSH IS TRYING TO CONTACT YOU AT THIS VERY MOMENT. PRESS OK TO READ YOUR LETTER.

I love the idea of the idly curious loner who holds on to the shred of a possibility that someone is trying to contact him through banner ads. "I have a crush?" this hypothetical person asks himself. "Impossible! ... Or is it?" Maybe it's the sheer force of these pronouncements that leaves these poor pushovers into clicking on these ads; like a misplaced fear of being rude: "My crush must really want me if they're going so far as to advertise to get my attention. Maybe they own a banner ad company. I mean, they probably don't even exist, but if they do... shouldn't I know about it?"

The best part of the above ad is how it hedges its bets. If you're not desperate enough to believe that mysterious crushes are trying to contact you, maybe you're paranoid enough to believe that your enemies are. Maybe both! Show your imaginary enemies what's up by rubbing their noses in the imaginary letters from your imaginary crushes!

I'd love to see a cross-section of the people who actually do click on these ads (the idly curious, like myself, excluded). Even more, I'd like to see a meeting where cyber shysters come up with new ways to hook suckers in 12 words or less. "What if you have to click a button to make Amy Winehouse punch George Bush? And when you knock him out your crush will send you a funny video of a cat falling off a bike? Then we'll sell them car insurance."

~~~~~~~~~~~

In completely unrelated news, I always appreciate it when someone smarter and more articulate than me can argue my views for me so I don't have to hurt my brain trying to do it for myself. That's why I enjoyed seeing Jon Stewart state the case for gay marriage against lovably affable social conservative and bipedal Basset Hound, Mike Huckabee:

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Mike Huckabee Pt. 2

Barack Obama Interview
John McCain Interview

Sarah Palin Video
Funny Election Video

Watch it if you want to feel the same vicarious thrill that I'm feeling. Of course, we all know where arguments pitting logic against faith get us. Still, I like imagining I'm over Jon Stewart's shoulder saying things like "Yeah!" and "So there!"