Crushed Dreams and New Hopes

On the heels of discoveries about Abraham Lincoln's watch and Shakespeare's portrait, CNN reported today that one of the great mysteries of the twentieth century has now been solved. In typically dry fashion, buried far under a story entitled "Hot dogs lead cops to burglary suspects," is an article saying that DNA testing has definitively proved that princess Anastasia Romanov died at the hands of the Bolsheviks. All I could think about was the children of the future who will watch Disney's Anastasia with the knowledge that it's all a romantic falsehood; the princess is dead and there are no such things as talking bats.



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In personal news I just ran karaoke at the Student Center. Maggie got me find a pirated version of Photoshop, so now I can do everything I want.
I listened to Beck's Modern Guilt finally and decided it's ok. Everything else is going fine. I have a revised list of birthday gifts that I need but never got:

• A black knit hat to replace the one that was stolen from me when I went to see Coraline.
• A dead animal to replace the one that disappeared.
• More Secret Chiefs 3 albums.

Back to School Like Rodney Dangerfield

Prof. Whitehead may not want me here, but I'm back at Bennington to stay. All I have to do in order to graduate is pass one exam. With the help of zombie Kurt Vonnegut (Kurt Zombigut) I can do it, but I was up last night dancing at the Oingo Boingo show in the student center and performing perfectly executed Triple Lindy dives at the rec center. All for the love of my son...


Me

Stray notes:

• Today in class we read a piece by Martin Buber. I realised what loneliness is when I looked around and there was nobody to laugh with about the name "Buber."
• It's really cold outside. Whenever I walk out I find myself saying in my head "It's FA-FA-FA-FREEZING!" and wishing that I could say that to someone without them being irritated by it before remembering that that person doesn't exist.
• Emily made me a schedule, which is very nice of her. There is a man on it with my name on his shirt as D-Bow, with the "D" being a bow and the hyphen being an arrow. How have I never in the course of my life thought of that?
• There's someone on campus who looks like Adam Freed, someone who walks like Sean and someone who sounds like Brian Schultis (kind of). I wish people I didn't know would stop unintentionally imitating people I did.
• I had my first class with Margie-babe today. It was intense. I don't ever want a class to end again with out-loud readings from Holocaust survivors quickly followed by discussions of our majors ("Dance-Lit!").
• I told someone after watching the first episode of Friday Night Lights on Hulu that, though it is widely acclaimed, I don't think I could get into it because I'm not that nostalgic about high school and never really liked football. Then I watched two more episodes and proved myself wrong. Now I'm hooked! Go Panthers! I'm sad!
• I brought one of my dad's old pipes back from home after cleaning it out into my trashcan. When I was in the car to the airport I realized that the large piece of ash I had removed was the filter. Bummer. Now I need a new pipe. It will go well with my growing incense addiction; my room already smells like a head-shop, it might as well get some of the accouterments. Next: posters of aliens in a wintry forest of mushrooms peeing "4:20" into the snow.
  

Coraline and Nine

Last night I saw Coraline, which was exciting. The Nightmare Before Christmas played an important part in fascinating me as a child while kind of spooking the living shit out of me at the same time. Plus, Laika studios is in Portland, so hometown pride abounds (except the kid in the film pronounced it "Ore-gahn" not "Ore-gun" which is distinctly wrong).

The visuals were amazing, but, is it just me or is Neil Gaiman not really that great? I only know a little bit about his stuff, but what I have experienced seems to me to be mish-mashes of other ideas and themes into wholes that don't necessarily become original. Now don't get me wrong, a lot of the children's movies I enjoyed growing up like A Troll in Central Park or The Last Unicorn weren't bastions of originality either, but still, that's not an excuse really... While watching Coraline I couldn't help but feel that it was a collage of themes and imagery I'd seen in a myriad of other places with little original substance of its own. It's the same way I felt about Stardust, Mirrormask and Gaiman's adaptation of Beowulf. I guess to make that claim I should have some solid evidence, which I don't, but did anyone else just find themselves recalling things like Alice in Wonderland, Cinderella, James and the Giant Peach, etc. and not really appreciating the movie as something on its own?

I saw it in 3D, too, which was cool but exhausting. I guess it's a neat technology and it's sure improved since the red/green glasses days, but I don't miss "2D." For one thing, putting things on different planes but keeping them at the same level of focus isn't always realistic - sometimes it's just weird. Also, I felt like my eyes could never rest - they're still burning a little.

In other news, all my dad's tools are gone and most of the books are packed up. I helped Larry, Moe and Curly move a bunch of stuff into a storage unit out in Bumfuck Nowhere, Oregon yesterday (which is an unincorporated part of Salem). Now I'm counting down the days that I have left in my childhood home. It's really hard to pack everything you own when a) you hate cleaning b) you hate packing and c) you hate getting rid of things.

Tricycle Christ and the Sunday Blowout

Hey, as of yesterday I have 100 posts here! Wowza! Let's celebrate with a still from the (near) titular movie of this blog:


NSFW?

This weekend I traveled down to Roseburg with a friend. What an amazing little shit-hole. I saw the giant pit in the ground where I was born. I was told by my parents that, long ago, Douglas County Hospital (now the pit) used bo be next to a hill where famous goats roamed free. (When I was in elementary school I told my class I was born "in a hospital by goats" and they all laughed). The hill, Mt. Nebo, no longer has its Mt. Nebo goats, which used to come down into the hospital grounds and predict whether it would rain or not with their very presence. My friend told me that they all fell into traffic or were killed off. This is just one of the changes that Roseburg has experienced since I left it 20.5 years ago.

As we tried to leave, the tire on my friend's car went flat an hour out of town, looking like it ran over a lawnmower blade. We didn't have any of the right tools, so we had to call roadside assistance, which took an hour. After they left we discovered the battery had gone dead and we had to wait for another thirty minutes. Then a woman with no teeth on her bottom jaw except for canines (reverse vampire!) told us that the tire department at the local Walmart had shut down thirty minutes before our arrival. We eased up the freeway on a spare until we got to Springfield.

Springfield is nothing like it looks in the Simpsons. At the Springfield Walmart, Jeff Spicoli told us that they had just closed up an hour early, but that the Walmart we had come from usually stayed open later. Of course, nobody else was open given that it's a Sunday. The Lord may have rested on the seventh day, but if he wanted to get somewhere I'll bet he would have wanted four tires (unless he rode a tricycle).

Since there was no other alternative in sight, we drove to Portland on the spare, never going above 45 mph. This meant hugging the guardrail with the hazard lights on while the world literally passed us by. It was kind of nice, because it slowed down the whole day (it took four hours to get from Springfield to Portland, 2x what it should have), and there was a distinct sense that something wanted us to take it slow. Whatever the cosmic reasoning, we missed the 10:20 showing of Coraline, and that's that.

Tomorrow mom and I begin moving our lives down to a Salem storage unit. My room looks like a hurricane came in and fucked it. It's emptier than it was yet dirtier than it was. I can't bring myself to pack up my CDs yet. There are mixes that need to be made!

All Things Geek

• Today I finished posting all of my dad's old board games on eBay. The geek money's piling up! Nobody wants Assassin, though, which shocks me. Going by the box lid alone, it's easily the coolest game.
  
  
  From what I can tell, the game is like Taxi Driver except instead of a mohawk Travis Bickle has a mullet and his target is John McCain.
  
  Assassin's only competition on the cool-o-meter is the dashing fellow on the cover of Rail Baron, the "game of building railroad empires" (which I'm keeping for myself). He's There Will Be Blood but drunk.
  
  



• In other media news, my literature burnout has moved me to comic books. I read Phoebe Gloeckner's A Child's Life, Debbie Dreschler's heartbreaking Daddy's Girl, a bunch of R. Crumb and now I'm halfway into Watchmen. I sure like them words when the come with lots of purdy pickshures. Reading the much hyped Watchmen, I totally understand why it's considered a classic. I didn't know how into it I was until I saw a preview for the movie the other day and had a nerdgasm. I hope it doesn't suck.
  



• As for music, I can't stop listening to Love's Forever Changes. Sometimes it sounds like someone going crazy, sometimes it teeters into hippie-dippy bullshit, but most of the time it's just an amazing beautiful album. I bought it for my dad but I don't think he ever really liked it. I'm not sure why. I can't embed anything from it, but check it out anyway.
  
• Today on TV there was a British movie from 1999 called Virtual Sexuality on. I remember passing it at Hollywood Video and always thinking that it was raunchy Cinemax-style porn. Little did I know that it was basically Just One Of The Guys but with shitty CGI. The amazing thing is how late-'90s everything about it is. There's bleached tips and Macy Gray everywhere. When my kids want to know what 1999 was like I'll hand them VHS copies of this, Can't Hardly Wait and Spice World.


• I'm afraid that all of my favorite TV shows are dying. I thought the last two episodes of The Office were pretty weak in comparison to what had been going on. What, so the Angela/Andy/Dwight triangle reaches a head and then the issue's dropped and everything's normal? No! I have a stake in these imaginary people's lives and I want resolution!
  
  Degrassi's long been put out to pasture, but that doesn't make its decline from pre-teen, Canadian guilty pleasure to pre-teen, Canadian guilty pain any more acceptable. Who are these new people that I'm supposed to care about? You can't just send characters to Africa and expect me to forget about them, Degrassi writers; not when you've left me with this:
  
  
  
  But what's really broken my heart is Skins. Oh Skins, I loved you so much! For those of you who aren't British and/or retrograding back to middle school, Skins' first two seasons were hella good. What started as a guilty pleasure (Matt warned me it was "Degrassi meets Rules of Attraction") turned into one of my favorite shows ever. But now? Let me list some of the offenses: extensive plots involving gangsters; penis-tattoos; drawn-out fart jokes; live goldfish-eating; characters nobody could give a shit about.
  
  These characters who seem to be drawn from imaginary TV-types rather than actual people - sensitive sk8r boi, walking pharmaceutical receptacle (Chris without the likability), Screech-like nerd who the former two are friends with for no discernible reason, xtreme maybe-lesbian (probably not) named Naomi Campbell (wtf??), twins (one's wild the other's not and probably is a lesbian). Oh, and Tony Stonem's little sister who the show keeps reminding us is totally attitude and anything-goes, yet somehow became way less interesting now that she talks. Skins - don't make me hate you. Please come back down to earth.
  

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Back to that irritating nerd and Darcy's froggy, Jesus-loving sister in Degrassi, let me put a question to you, world: is the nerd stereotype even relevant in 2009? Revenge of the Nerds? Fine. Saved By The Bell? Cool. The straight-laced programming geek in Virtual Sexuality? Ok. But now that the internet has taken over our lives and people camp out all night for Apple products is there still a cultural otherness to nerds? Look at tv - shows like The Office and motherfucking Chuck; movies like Rushmore and its imitators; the rise of Michael Cera and all indie quirkiness.

The outdatedness of the nerd stereotype really hit me when I was on the airplane from Belfast and they showed an episode of The Big Bang Theory. I guess it's a popular show, but it felt to me like something from another era. Haven't the nerds finally taken over? When the biggest movie franchises of the last decade have been The Lord of the Rings, comic book movies and Star Wars, I think we need to reevaluate things. Does this really represent a reality anyone thinks of as true anymore?



Of course, this is coming from someone who reads comic books, watches childrens' programming and then goes and writes about it in his blog, so what do I know?

Grandpa Wrestling

Tonight was my Grandpa's 98th birthday, which was pretty cool. I learned that he used to herd cattle (which neither of his daughters knew), that he met Howard Hughes (whom he says was , surprise surprise, crazy) when he turned down a lucrative job to work for him and that his grandmother came over on the second wagon train to ever go to Oregon (and the first with women). In addition to these facts, he also told me emphatically that religion is stupid because there is no proof for it. I've never heard him come down on religion or politics before, but the man was a Sunday school teacher and a deacon as well as an engineer/lumberjack/cattle-hearder/naval officer.

I got to tape some of his stories. He is deaf so rather than converse, all he really does is tell stories from his past. When they're not sprinkled with engineer-speak that he assumes I know, they're really fascinating. Above is my favorite.

As I'm moving around all of this stuff that was my dad's I'm thinking about the mutability of history. It's only in and around this last century, during the time that my grandpa was alive, that we've been able to record music - before you had to listen to the musician live or nothing at all. There is no record of the sound itself from before, only instruments and documentation (at this point in the post I should warn that I've been smoking, so if I'm not already blowing your mind you might want to bail). Similarly, all the things that my dad left me are really part of my memories of him; I think about all of my things now in terms of what I want to pass on to my children (when they exist).

I spent a long time tonight letting my grandpa go through an old family album and tell me who the people are. If he doesn't do it then no one else will! My mom doesn't know who the people are any more than I do and my grandma can't see them.
The best story that came out of it:

There's a picture of my grandpa at about ten-years-old dressed in a policeman's uniform. Grandpa told me a story about visiting a sick family friend who was, at the time, also being visited by "a big Scotch-Irishman." "Oh great, just what I need, a cop," joked the sick man. "Help me officer, this man is accosting me!" At this point grandpa revealed to me that his fake uniform came with a real billy club (his college also had a shooting range under the gym, just to give an indication of how times change). He started beating on the other guy with his club. "I pert near took his head off!" laughed my grandpa.

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Elsewhere in the dinner I argued with my aunt and uncle about how good The Wrestler was. "The guy was such a loser!" my uncle kept arguing, as if that meant something. "What a meathead!" We came to common ground when he invited me to come with him to WWE Wrestlemania the week before I leave. Whhaaat? My whole family was shocked at how much I knew about WWE, except for my cousin who used to play WWF: No Mercy on N64 with me. I guess that was a phase in middle school the rest of them missed. This is understandable because I only watched Smackdown because my friends did and I didn't have cable. I'm still not sure how seriously my uncle takes it. Maybe he expected The Wrestler to follow a storyline similar to those that happen during WWE matches. Like, maybe he thought Micky Rourke would get surprised at Raw Is War and challange Mankind to a Pay-Per-View ladder-match. Probably that or the plot of Rocky.

In other entertainment news, I also saw The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford and it was awesome. That and Gone, Baby, Gone have me excited about Casey Affleck's future career, cuz he really knocks those out of the park. At least, as excited as you can get over the career of an actor I don't know or an Affleck.
Plus, Skins is back with a whole new cast! I'm gonna watch it right now and see if the magic is still there! And by magic, I mean drugs. (Update: just watched it. OH. NO.)

Also read my other blog!

What's a-Happenin' Hot Stuff?

I only got a few hours of sleep last night, so when I got home from lectures today I just took some me-time. Tomorrow night I ship out so all I have left to do is study and pack, really. I also went to Top Man today and got a second pair of jeans, cuz I like the other ones I bought and they're only 20 pounds, which is pretty great. While walking around in the rain and the fog I took some farewell pictures of Belfast that I'll put up on Facebook or something. But let's talk about The Happening.
Following the many delights that I found in An American Carol, I thought today I would watch another infamous movie from 2008 that I've been curious about and don't mind seeing on the internet.

Remember when The Sixth Sense came out and suddenly M. Night Shyamalan was the hottest new director with a cult that seemed to form overnight? Then Unbreakable came out and people were like, "That was a bit of a misfire, but he's still young; they can't all be winners." Then Signs came out and it was ok, but seemed a little Christian-y and Mel Gibson-y and the big twist (people were starting to notice a reliance on these twist things) about the aliens' weakness was really stupid? By the time The Village came out all the remaining fans had turned to apologists, though, from what I remember, it was like most of the movies beforehand with a pretty good build-up - it was just the explanation at the end that blew. Then Lady in the Water, which, from what I hear, is really really bad and has water-nymphs in it.
Remember all that? What a long, disappointing trip it's been.

Then Shyamalan came out in 2008 with The Happening, which I had heard was his worst yet. But, like, so bad it's good. I asked myself, "Could M. Night have already turned into a parody of himself?" A few days ago the Christian girl who lives next to me and only enjoys movies like Step Up and Nanny McPhee told me that it was the only horror movie she liked, cuz it made her think. Now I was really intrigued.

Today I spent an hour and a half watching a movie that, though it can't beat An American Carol in the race to be the worst big-budget movie of the past decade, it nips at its heels - though I haven't seen the update to The Wicker Man (mostly because I liked the original more than I like Nick Cage), which sounds like it could give The Happening a run for its money.

The Happening is shockingly, hilariously bad. Not misguided- and ugly-bad like American Carol, but what-was-everyone-thinking-bad. As well as being a former-Shyamalan apologist I'm also a Mark Wahlberg apologist, having really liked him in movies like The Departed and Four Brothers. Unfortunately, here he turns in what can only be classified as a tribute to the spirit of awful cinematic performance. Zooey Deschanel is worshipping right there with him, as they play adults who cherish mood rings and get jealous over dessert-invites and cough-syrup purchases like 8-year-olds.

The twist to the movie, alone, is ridiculously dumb. It comes about 30 minutes into the movie, but if you don't know (*SPOILER*) the movie is about plants giving off fumes that make people kill themselves. This means lots of Mark Wahlberg and co. running from the wind, which is just as silly as it sounds. He also meets a weird horticulturist who's obsessed with hotdogs, a crazy old lady who accuses him of being homicidal for no reason (and has the best non-sinister sinister line in a movie ever when she says "Why are you eyeing my lemon drink?"), a military officer who says things like "cheese and crackers!" instead of swearing in times of national crisis and more.

Thankfully, some youtube heros have put together clips of the very best moments. And oh, they are so, so sweet. I like that two clips claiming to have the best moments from the movie are made up mostly of different equally hilarious parts (except the guy laying down in front of a thresher and Marky Mark's placation of the crazy lady, which made both cuts). The second clip is shittier quality, but worth the watch, if only for Wahlberg singing and the kid in his class saying "global warming."

Cheese and Crackers!

Spreading the Gospel of Basil

Yesterday I put up a post about Toni Basil and how awesome she was. It has come to my attention in the past 24 hours that there is even more to Basil's awesomeness than evidenced by her videos alone. To save you the trouble of going to Wikipedia, I've done the hard work for you.

A list of other gifts from Toni's elvish heart:

• She choreographed the "Once in a Lifetime" video by the Talking Heads and showed David Byrne footage of epilepsy sufferers for inspiration

• She choreographed and directed the (admittedly kind of silly) video for the amazing "Cross-eyed and Painless." In so doing, she also invented the moonwalk before Michael Jackson!

• She choreographed David Bowie's Diamond Dogs tour.

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• She choreographed the Monkees' insane movie, Head, cowritten by Jack Nicholson, as well as other sweet movies like American Graffiti and Muppets from Space.
  

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• She appeared as one of the prostitutes who flips out in the acid trip scene from Easy Rider (she's the one with black hair), as well as a movie called Mother, Jugs and Speed with Bill Cosby and Raquel Welsh (Mother and Jugs, respectively) and the aforementioned Rockula alongside Thomas Dolby(!), among others. She was also on an episode of Baywatch Nights as a fortune teller.
  

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Ok, I actually thought that list was going to be longer, but that's still nothing to sneeze at. Plus she's six years older than my mom. Whoah!

On a related side note, did you know that in the '90s the Talking Heads reformed without David Byrne as The Heads and released an album called No Talking, Just Head? And it sucked? My goodness.

Coldplay makes you gay, Chaucer makes you stupid

So I'd agreed to go out with my friend and do whatever she wanted to do last night, but upon finding out it meant being 5th-wheel at a gay club I opted out. Her and the three guys she went with came back and told me that it was too "underground" and "grimy" and basically ended up saying that it looked like the product of an actual subculture and not a place that was trying to look like the product of a subculture. I think I'd much rather find myself in a place that caters to an actual subculture than one that caters with the idea of a subculture to bourgeois people intent on "slumming it." But maybe that's an elitist, "slumming it" attitude to take itself.
Either way, I would've been pretty out of place, though a girl basically told me the other day that I was gay because I told her I liked Coldplay. That's cool; I'm secure enough in my heterosexuality to rep Rush of Blood to the Head 4 lif - Lord knows I listen to gayer music. But you'll never find me repping X&Y. That record's for pussies.

I was going to watch Play Time and Ali: Fear Eats the Soul this weekend but, even after downloading the supposedly all-region VLC Media Player I still can't watch Region 2 DVDs. It's weird because it let me watch Pasolini's Arabian Nights the other week, which you can't get on DVD in America. Why? Maybe because a guy shoots a girl's vagina with a penis-arrow. Or, more likely, because it's long and draggy, the acting's bad and it looks like it was dubbed into Italian by a 5th-grader.



I don't mind the dragginess and all that because over-all, I really love how Pasolini adapts classic texts in a way that is true to the gritty, unsanitised realism of the time they were written. He finds romanticism in the actual grime and dirt of the era, which is really refreshing to me. It feels truer to the stories. He also purely seems to be interested in the stories from the classics that deal with sex, which can be fun when it's done right (The Decameron), disturbing when it's done right (Salo) or just kind of boring (Arabian Nights). Apparently his Canterbury Tales adaptation is nothing to write home about, either, but, after I finish reading it I'm going to rent it (on VHS in the States, unfortunately).
Even if the rest is boring, this scene from Hell is pretty promisingly bonkers:




Thank you, Pierre Paulo Pasolini, Now I've seen it ALL! Wah wah. Ba dum dum.

For similar entertainment of a more painful nature, a bunch of high school English classes put up video adaptations of noted slag "The Wife of Bath's Tale." They're all bizarre, but I'm not going to post them here because I know almost no one else cares. If you're a video masochist like me, though, and you want to see exactly what's wrong with the youth of the nation you might enjoy:

• The version shot in night-vision where a guy tells the young filmmakers that women in the ghetto most desire crack (1:50)
  
• The vulgar Southern students version feat. flying Bush and Kerry heads, armored basebal caps, general misogyny
• The version with a kid beating a girl with a baseball bat for calling him a "silly goose" to "When a Man Loves a Woman."
• The version with a "Hey Ya" dance scene. PS - please go to 1:48 to see mom make an appearance; it's the best part. I'm serious, you won't regret it.
• The version where a girl on a broomstick rapes another girl and literally tears up her "V-card." Also a girl says she desires a man that will let her fart in bed without judging her. Go to 4:35 to see marital discord at it's most harrowing.
  
• Or might I interest you a boy raping a dog in a wig that talks like Betty Boop.

It really just keeps going and going. It's funny how simultaneously amusing and depressing this kind of thing is.
You know what's more depressing? The fact that I have 350 pages of The Way We Live Now to read by Tuesday morning and I spent over half and hour watching films by high school kids. My priorities are all messed up.

Exciting Movie News

Well, it's been a shitty week to top all shitty weeks. In the least shitty bit of news among the shit, I went to go see "Heaven's Gates, Hell's Flames" today but couldn't find the church and ended up walking around for 3 hours. The plus side of that will be toned legs. Or sore legs. I'm gonna try again tomorrow but if I don't make it I'll have missed my chance!

Anyways, at least the movie stars are aligning. I found out today that Danny Boyle's new film, Slumdog Millionare stars the kid who played Anwar on the awesome Skins! Even though the trailer doesn't give me reason to hope that it will be Trainspotting + 28 Days Later + Skins, it's apparently a very good film in it's own right. That said, will someone please make a film about sexy British teens shooting heroin and fighting zombies? Please?


In stranger news, the new Todd Solondz movie reportedly features both Paris Hilton and Paul Reubens! Charlotte Rampling's in there, too. What happens when a famous socialite, Pee Wee Herman and the Nazi-loving dancer from The Night Porter get together in a Todd Solondz movie? I can't wait to find out! We already know what happens when Philip Seymour Hoffman enters the Solondzoverse: