Woman Finds Skinned Chipmunk Living In Her Couch

As the four regular readers of my blog know, I read CNN daily and often write here about it when I feel like it. Today I clicked on a story apparently about Bob Dylan's home being too smelly (what?) and it transferred me to KTLA.com which is, from what I can tell, where crazy news goes to die. It's full of stories that got caught between the fiction of The Weekly World News (RIP) and more respectable news outlets. Among the insane headlines I was met with when I visited KTLA:

• Martha Stewart's Dog Killed In Explosion
• Woman Hurt In Sex Mishap Involving Power Tool
• Chimp Plans, Executes Attack On Zoo Visitors
• Five Human Heads Found In Coolers
• SoCal Man's Body Mistakenly Delivered To Pet Store
• Woman Finds Hungry Cat Living In Her Sofa
• This photo gallery

I'm speechless.

As for my life, my dead squirrel may have been stolen, but after I sent my prayers for more corpses out into the universe Ham delivered by finding me a dead chipmunk. I was going to cut it open tonight but I just couldn't bring myself to do it when I was holding it in my hands and it's little eyes were staring straight into mine. I think I need Skippy there to hold my hand while I turn the little guy inside out. Either way, my skin fever is satisfied.
I thought I could keep the little guy in the Fels fridge for a couple of days without anybody noticing as long as I labeled the container this time. I left it in a Cheez-It box and then realized that people don't refrigerate Cheez-Its so I labeled it "Spinach and Lentils Pilaf - Do Not Touch" because I thought no one would want that. Then people got high and touched it and there was screaming and the chipmunk ended up in the microwave. Luckily I was there to save it. I miss my fridge.

Sitcom class is going well. We just wrote a scene for a never-going-to-happen Western sitcom which we ended up titling Full Jailhouse (my other suggestion: Fresh Prince of the Unincorporated Territories).

It sounds like my life is all skinning and classes, but I'm sure it be more than that. I'm trying to get used to being around people that I know all day long and having everybody know what I'm doing all the time. I'm also getting sick. Maybe that's a reason to miss Sue's class tomorrow. :-)
I've also been texting people a lot and it's led to me using emoticons more. :-(

Things I Learned From CNN Today

• Meghan McCain is kinda sorta awesome.
• Walter from The Big Lebowski was based on the writer of Apocalypse Now and Dirty Harry.
• Quoting films to other people in lieu of actually talking "stirs passion." Presumably because it makes you look like a twat.
• They found and authenticated an actual portrait of Shakespeare.
• Bad marriages are bad for your health. Ice is cold. The ocean is deep. Snow is white.
  
• Barbie is based on a German gag-doll of a gypsy prostitute named Bild Lilli. Also there is a life-sized Malibu dream home that features, among other insane things, a chandelier made out of Barbie's hair.

• There's such a thing as a "green" bullet.
• The article "Some banks should be allowed to fail, say two top Republicans" looks like a parody because Sen. Ron Shelby cuts a figure that makes me imagine his inner life to resemble that of Montgomery Burns:

• When Republicans are talking about stem cell research it is of dire importance. When a Democrat is talking about it, it's a distraction. Also, Republicans fear that soon we will be "embryo-harvesting." Wait, is that a distraction or something to get hysterical about?

ALSO:

If you missed The Daily Show last Wednesday night it was a really fucking great episode. Ch-ch-check it out.

ALSO:

Maybe I got out of Northern Ireland at the right time.

Two Amazing News Stories

Two amazing news stories:

From the Charleston Daily Mail via the Portland Oregonian:

In Charleston, W.Va., a man was charged with assault after police said he farted at an officer.
Jose Cruz, 34, was arrested for suspicion of drunken driving and taken to police headquarters. While being fingerprinted, Cruz moved near one of the officers, "lifted his leg and passed gas loudly on the officer." Cruz then allegedly waved the air in the direction of the officer.
"The gas was very odorous and created contact of an insulting or provoking nature" with the officer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Harpers:

From a police report filed as evidence in the assault trial of William Singlagah, twenty-seven, of Whakatane, New Zealand. In April, Singhlagah was found guilty and ordered to pay $350 to his victim, who was not named in court documents because he is a minor.

On Saturday, February 9, at about 8 P.M., the Defendant, William Singhlagah, was with a group of associates walking along Eivers Road.
The Defendant was carrying a hedgehog.
He approached to within five meters of the fifteen-year-old Complainant and threatened to throw the hedgehog at him.
The Complainant asked him not to do this.
The Defendant, however, took deliberate aim and threw it directly at him. The hedgehog hit the Complainant in the lower right hip, causing a large red welt and several puncture marks. Two quills were left sticking out of the Complainant's hip and had to be manually removed.
The Defendant picked up the hedgehog and threatened to throw it at the Complainant again.
The Complainant's mother intervened, and the Defendant walked approximately twenty meters up the road before pulling his trousers down to his knees, thereby revealing his boxer shorts. He bent over and pointed his backside toward the Complainant.
He then pulled his pants up, rejoined his associates, and continued walking up the road.